Silent Sleep
By The Porridge Boy
_____"Dude, are you coming to the party or what?"
_____I didn't listen. Instead, my mind was elsewhere, floating in the hundreds of veins that the rain formed on my window.
_____"Dude...are you there?"
_____I blinked to refresh my attention. "Excuse me?"
_____"Are you coming to the party tonight or not?" my friend said on the other side of the phone.
_____"Tonight?" Tonight, tonight.
_____"4:20am sharp. Are you in or are you out?"
_____"No, " I dragged out. "I'm busy. Sorry."
_____"Aw that's no problem. I'll catch you later then."
_____I hung up and rest my chin on my arms staring out in the gloom. It was raining again in Vancouver, fourth day in a row. A constant overcast of blue-grey clouds that cursed the sun to look like the moon. Every day like a constant sunset.
_____Early in the morning, I started to walk to the skytrain station. To have it rain for so long felt choking. The air constantly thick, like the sight of air was revealed by the water. It bombarded my senses; especially touch. The rain's connection with objects around me gave the illusion of an extension of them. I could sense the shape of the newspaper box, as drops hits it flat blue surface and ever so often reverberate with my heartbeat. As water sneaked into the coin slot, I imagine the waterdrops' trek through the box's arteries was to reach a collective pool at the bottom, soaking today's news.
_____I step onto the skytrain. It gets me out of the rain, but doesn't offer escape from the fullness of the world. Dozens of bodies piled in around me, doubling their body mass with bulky winter coats and air-filled rain slickers. Suitcases, extra bags, clumpy loud rain-boots and foggy glasses. Water soaked heads added invisible weight in exchange for normally equally spaced strands of hair.
_____Somehow, I imagine this is what sleep is, all your senses open to everything in the world, but only crammed all into your head. Your mind becomes so intuned to your feelings that they can extend beyond your flesh and far beyond the grasps of your eyes and ears.
_____Gloria was walking by when I got off the crowded elevator at work.
_____"Hey dude."
_____I politely waved back.
_____She followed me to my desk. "Where were you last night fucko?"
_____"Home."
_____"Doing what?"
_____"Nothing." I took off my coat. "Staring out my window."
_____"Hey did you catch the new episode of Shambles?"
_____"I don't watch TV Gloria."
_____"Ok. Well." She walked away and told me she will see me later.
_____I don't have the heart to tell my best friend that I'm about to do something illegal. Sleep had been removed from society to make it more efficient. Therefore, longer work hours, more pay and more "rest". I didn't know when I chose to seek out a doctor to help me basically regain my sleep. For reference, I usually think it was when I saw an advertisement for an exclusive spa which would actually put their clients to "sleep" and have them basically dream their entire stay there. It somewhat disturbed me that people were willing to pay for essentially a planned vacation packaged into a virtual dream. Not even a dream, a simulation. What disturbed me more was the fact that sleep, once free, was now being offered to those who can afford it. Kind of like bottled water.
_____A little before midnight I arrived at the doctor's apartment building. After she buzzed me in and I gotten to the proper floor, I noticed that the door was at the end of the hall. I wondered if this doctor chose her dwelling specifically to give time for her clients to reconsider as I trekked down the end of a long hallway to her entrance. I knocked.
_____It swiftly opened, as if expecting a friend. She looked like a model citizen. Precisely combed hair, clean brown eyes, straight teeth, a slight pale complexion. Perhaps slightly older than me. The only thing that stood out was her spotty blemishes collectively gathering on her chin.
_____I stepped into her apartment.
_____She gestured to the center of the room. "Have a seat."
_____I sat down and took in the room. It was quaint and well furnished. Surprisingly bright for a person who dealt with illegal surgeries. Minutes ticked by as I listened to the beat of the rain against the window.
_____"Is it true what they say?" I asked, half out of curiosity; half out of conversation.
_____"About what?" she mused as if she asked herself a question.
_____"How people who went to people like you died...because they slept too much."
_____She scoffed out a laugh. It was like a joke to her that never gets old. "Funny, I've been asked that many times, but you are the first person not to start out with the question of whether or not it hurts."
_____"Well does it?" unclear of which question I wanted answered first.
_____She turned around looking interested in conversation. She brought out a few syringes and bottles, and transferred them to the coffee table next to where I sat.
_____She smiled as she measured the dosage of yellow liquid entering the syringe. "Sir for you to ask another question before the most obvious one regarding pain, indicates that you are mentally beyond finding that answer," she seemed to relish my confusion. "And no, those rumors are false."
_____She proceeded to inject me with the yellow formula. It stung a bit. I think in talking to me, the doctor had relieved me of any focus on the syringe and instead on what she just said. She withdrew the needle, asking me to hold a cotton ball over the entry point.
_____She proceeded to fill another syringe with a blue formula. "Sleeping is not a bad thing you know," she started. "Long time ago sleep was used as a means of...rejuvenation. In fact, your body needed sleep or else it would just collapse, exhausted. It's natural for us to sleep."
_____I looked out of her apartment window, caring only enough to comprehend the words and instead focusing on how I already know this basic information.
_____She looked right at me to get my attention. "When sleep was removed in order to aid in a more efficient society with more time, I feel that instead of living more we instead lost a part of the life experience."
_____I gazed into her eyes sensing a force of seriousness that made her words resound with more than a philosophical ideal, but the truth. She injected me with the second syringe, emptying the blue liquid into my veins. I was beginning to think that she did this on all her clients in order to calm them down from the pain.
_____"It needs a moment to settle down before I administer the last two syringes," as she sat in front of me.
_____After I relaxed the pressure I put onto the pinhole puncture in my skin, I looked back at her, "Why?"
_____She grinned as if few people had the dedication to pursue further into her thought. "Because in order for life to exist as a state, there must be death."
_____I thought back to all the art-house films I have watched expressing the views of a scriptwriter who decided to put obvious contradictions together because the lines sounded neat. She grinned even more as if those who gotten this far thought the very same thing.
_____She lent back, carefully observing the clock and then rested her elbows on her knees. "Don't you see?" she asked, expecting someone who never slept a day in their life, would at least known what she was about to say. "In some ways sleep bridges the drastic contrast between life and death. Without sleep, the event of death has become less understood…more foreign. We essentially lose an experience of life that prepares us for the end of it."
_____She expected some light to suddenly shine in my eyes, I expected her to jab another needle into my arm. She saw my lack of belief as a sign of retreat. Another person who can't share her thoughts for the sole fact that they never experienced something denied to them for their entire lives.
_____She reached over me to retrieve the other two syringes, leaning very close to my face, almost as if she was rudely showing my ignorance. She filled the two other syringes and looked for veins.
_____"What does it exactly do?" I asked, hoping not to leave on a bitter note.
_____"Your genetic DNA still has the gene that instigates sleep," she said. "Removal of sleep is done by nano-technology, small bio-engineered machines that latch onto that gene and makes it dormant."
_____I took her cold scientific explanation as a sign that her philosophy lecture was over.
_____"The parents should be able to pass on the nano-machines onto their children, but to be safe, the hospital injects a fresh small set just in case the nano-machines might not make it. It's as common as baby vaccinations."
_____She took out the syringe and proceeds to inject the last one. "All these injections are just nano-machines that are built to make original nano-machines dormant and thus let the sleep gene re-activate naturally. The injection also includes a "recipe" of a protein strand that your body will make in order to keep these machines alive. Basically I'm injecting a genetic altering virus into you."
_____I looked at the injection point, trying to imagine my body with these little machines; spreading, crawling all over my skin, changing my skin into some other colour I can't attribute.
_____She patched me up with a small band-aid and escorted me to the door. As I stood outside in the hallway, reaching for the money, I was tempted to ask how long it would take, but beginning to get used to my sage-like illegal surgeon, I instead asked if it was reversible.
_____"Oh yes very much," she said enthusiastically.
_____"Wouldn't that defeat the purpose you are offering to your clients? You know, freeing them from an unnatural restriction?"
_____She smiled, a sort of smile you would use if you were insulted or annoyed. She came up to me as if there were any points in our discussion to be remembered, it would be this one. "Mister Kilbourne, sleep is in our blood. Who is society, or any of us for that matter, to determine our choice not to sleep, even before we are conscious of what it is? I'm merely giving people a choice."
_____As I was escorted out, she said it would take a few days for the nano-machines to fully affect my DNA code and don't hesitate to call her if anything arises.
_____She took my money and shut the door.
_____It rained the next day.
_____The doctor's words resurfaced from time to time in my head, your body needed sleep or else it would just collapse, exhausted. I felt that it was a promise betrayed. Sometimes I relished the idea that I would just fall down at work, or in a restaurant, resting away; exposing my secret. That somehow my first sleep would an announcement to the world. Instead, I tried not to liken myself to what the doctor might do.
_____Despite my inhibition, I still worked. I left early for lunch, 11:48am, knowing that Gloria's eyes were on the lookout for me. For the past week, I have been skipping lunch with her in order to prepare for what happened last night. Shrugging off a friend of 5 years isn't easy especially with their penchant to get involved with your life. Instead, I hid away in a reading booth, at the library around the corner. I picked out a random book and propped myself up to look like I was reading.
_____I returned to work with some knowledge of the composition and uses of aluminum. After I left work, I spent the rest of the day in my apartment killing time with menial tasks. I turned my telephone off for fear of retribution from Gloria. More often than not, I found myself staring outside at the rain as it constantly poured down. I watched the television for a few hours, hoping that somehow the boredom will send me off to sleep. Instead, I found my mind drifting away, not concentrating on anything but subtly acknowledging the existence of my furniture. As I stared fully awake, I faintly heard the weatherman saying that it would bright and shiny tomorrow.
_____It rained the next day.
_____Second day in a row since my surgery. I worked again. I don't know if it was out of habit, or if I was too lazy to consider another option. I spent the majority of the workday frustrated; the thought of sleep kept ballooning in my head. I looked at the clock, 1:37pm. I became aware that it took three hours for me to write a one-page report. I also realized that I completely missed lunch but more importantly, Gloria hadn't even tried to get me.
_____For the most of the rest of the day, I spent looking on the internet at the advertisements of those sleep spas. I looked longingly at a face of an overweight balding man; looking artificially pleasant with his eyes closed. Colored diodes lit up with color on the helmet he wore. Then I wondered whether the ad was an actual client or just an actor. From what I imagine, both would look fairly fake. As I was about to click to escape the ad, I spotted in the corner the word "dramatization".
_____With all my menial tasks taken care of I tried to lay on my couch, seriously attempting to sleep. The afternoon flowed into night and since I did not want to schedule my meals for the next six months I sat up and confirmed it was night by looking out the rain drenched window.
_____I phoned the doctor.
_____It's not working I told her.
_____"It's not uncommon for it to take this long to happen," she reassured. She spoke with the same serious tone as before.
_____Is it something wrong with me? Do I need an extra dose?
_____"I don't do extra doses," her professionalism wavered. "Protein strands might flood your bloodstream and kill you. Besides, relax it will come."
_____I felt like a student with my teacher re-affirming me that it is not my fault I failed. That I'm just not ready for it yet. Her confidence only left me to blame myself.
_____"Listen," she said. "If it still doesn't work in a few days, I'll do a scan for you ok?"
_____She hung up, along with my sleep. The mention of the scan relieved me, despite me not knowing what it was.
_____As I walked in to work with my rain soaked coat and briefcase I stared at the clock, 8:37am. I was early. I walked over to my desk and sat down, I stared at my desk. The task of taking off my coat felt overwhelming. The process of setting out the contents of my briefcase seemed pointless. A rewardless task compared to what was on my mind. I looked at the clock, 8:39am. I made a sound, somewhere between a grunt and a scoff, and left.
_____For the first time in a long time, I felt confused and lost. I felt like I had to do something but had all the time in the world to do it. 8:47am, read one of the building clocks, I could still make it back to work. I ended up drinking a coffee, and watched the time past the start of my shift. It felt soothing because you finally knew you were beyond the point of return; the heavy heart of commitment...gone.
_____I spent the rest of the day wandering downtown, stepping into one place and then thought why I even bothered to enter. Every time though, I would hear the doctor's words again. Collapse. Exhausted. The Pacific Centre mall was full of shoppers. Shoppers, who like me, probably skipped work, school, whatever, in order to get away from the life stopping their happiness.
_____It was 11:52am. I searched out for the nearest pay phone, hiding away from the gangs of shoppers.
I phoned Gloria.
_____I hoped that her potential scorn would be lessened in semi-public. Unlike the movies though, this wasn't a drug exchange and only half of the party was in semi-public. The phone rung a few times.
_____"Hello Gloria speaking,"
_____Her voice gave me a sense of direction. "Hi."
_____"Hey." It was calm. I couldn't make out what that meant.
_____"I'm sorry for shrugging you off so much lately." Obviously.
_____"Don't worry," she didn't mean it, but it was right this way. "What's up?"
_____"Is there a party tonight? Like an all-nighter?"
_____"It's the middle of the week dude. And where are you?"
_____"I really need one," I sounded criminally desperate. I blanked my mind, the sounds of the mall drowned my thoughts. "I just need to relax and kick back."
_____"No worries, it's nice to have you back, I'll call later."
_____She hung up. Once again I was left hanging.
_____ I caught a ride with Gloria when she emerged from work. When I waited outside nearby my office building, I had firmly prioritized my search for a party over the risk of actually falling into sleep right in public. The thought of being arrested for such, was a subtle murmur in the static noise in my mind.
_____There was a 24-hour party that opens at 1:00am tomorrow night she told me. She asked when to pick me up, instead I said I would crash at her place. She looked at me, like I was a stranger to her, and in some ways she was right in doing so. The majority of the car ride to her place was awkward silence; symptoms of a dying friendship.
_____We talked a bit more at her place, but most of my time was spent watching television. She went off to work in the morning and returned with me still glued to the television. She was repulsed out by my lack of motivation to shower for party as she prepared. As I took in the world presented to me, I felt satisfied. With all the time I spent immersed in my own life recently, I felt that I slowly caught up with the rest of reality.
_____I treated her to dinner at 10:57pm in order to somehow make up for avoiding her for the past weeks. Afterwards we were ready.
_____I partied. I partied hard. I danced with everyone and anyone, even Gloria's friend that she introduced to me. I didn't care. A waterfall of liquor drained into my mouth as I was going to party to my doctor's indirect prescription: collapse, exhausted. I sang my heart out to the songs I know, even didn't like. I even sang with a group of people who apparently sing barbershop in their off time. Any lack of synchronization was lost in the crowd who sang along with us.
_____Intoxication swirled in my head and for one moment, I actually thought I was asleep. My hands floated in front of me, detached from my body, but I was reminded of reality by the booming dance music vibrating my head. A hand grabbed my shoulder and twisted me around, it was Gloria. Her face looked like a watercolor, a semi-accurate portrait within what the medium can achieve.
_____She mouthed something.
_____She saw my face and knew I didn't get the message, regardless if I didn't hear it, was confused or just slammed.
_____Her scream into my ear sounded like a whisper in the music, "I'm going to work! Have a good time!"
_____I looked at my liquor soaked watch. 7:58am. I glanced up to say something along the lines of, 'Skip work, stay here,' but the words were running circles around my mind refused exit from my lips.
_____She motioned over to her friend who would seem to be here for the entire time. Play nice, I could hear my mom say from the back of my head. I saw her make her way towards the exit. A wave of people swallowed her and she was gone.
_____I didn't know how much longer I stayed. Every so often, I would alternate between talking to Gloria's friend and sharing my brunch of vodka with the toilets. I think that's why they call it a porcelain goddess since it's very sight has such knee bending power of worship, evoked vomit to it's "church-and-holy-water-basin" in one. I danced more, even when my body ached. I drank more, even though my veins were a living liquor factory. The last time I checked, the time was 7:58am.
_____The bartender began to call me by my first name as I asked for another drink. I stared at the shot glass, overflowing with clear liquid. I could feel how it would go down, for some reason I imagined it to feel like slime. I took a sip, and confirmed my suspicions. I pushed it away, but still within eyesight. Somehow letting it know that I might make up with the rejection.
_____For the first time in the party, I closed my eyes to think. Being drunk melded into the flow of the music which caused more confusion. Vomiting regularly added to feeling like crap, but I wasn't tired. I looked around as hundreds of people danced, drunk and yelled. They were the product of scientists, investors...society who wanted to make the world a better place. I was a silent voice among a mass of the screaming; because all I want to do was be silent...and sleep.
_____I screamed.
_____I yelled at everyone because I didn't belong in the place of the awake. I yelled standing on top of the bar. Some people stared at me; they were more annoyed than afraid. The constant sound of music made my words disappear. Something grabbed my leg and I tried to turn around. Next thing I knew, I was hit two times in the back. First by the bar top, then by the floor. A large man wearing the shirt bore the club's name across his chest. Instead, I read "Settle the fuck down" written all over his face. Mom's voice came up again, "You need a time out young man." He tossed me into the corner near the entrance giving me an option to cool down or get out. What the nice bouncer forgot was that it was hard to cool down when the flames of music licked your ears.
_____I sat there, aching but more importantly angry. I had an ulterior motive in attending this party. This night was almost a way for me to return to my life, much like how I caught up on life on television. Before all the injections, before any consideration of wanting to sleep. Instead, the world I left behind rejected my attempt to come back. Time passed, but still the only time I remembered when I last checked was 7:58am. I wondered if my watch was broken, or if it was the fact that I didn't look at my watch since then.
_____I felt myself lifted up and brought out the entrance. I felt a rush of sensation as I felt rain water lightly tapping my head. I reached for my wallet to tip the bouncer when I looked up and noticed it was Gloria. The watercolor seemed more water than color now.
_____"Fuck didn't you hear me?" she shouted.
_____The only word I caught in my mind was "What?"
_____"My friend phoned me and said you were freaking out," she continued, as if she didn't even consider my explanation. "I came down to find you and saw you...you...like this. I shouted at you like three times before I dragged you out here!"
_____I could still hear the music throb with the beat of my now apparent headache. Then I realized that the music was actually inside, still pounding through the brick walls, "Well, remind me never to catch up on the reality of drinking and cram it in all one night."
_____"One night?" yelled Gloria, "it's 7:15pm next night Ted!"
_____I looked at my watch, she was right. I actually went back in time before Gloria left, but the only glaring problem is that the day advanced by one.
_____"What the fuck is a matter with you?" she asked. "You never did this type of shit before. Are you taking drugs?"
_____"No," I said bluntly, the sound of rain started to drown out the music.
_____"You never been this drunk. What the hell is going on?"
_____"No," my anger began to sober me up.
_____"Fuck...what the fuck is goi..."
_____"No no no no NO!"
_____I looked up at her, crying. I wept into my sleeves. I was so angry that I knew that I was not crying because I was drunk. "I just wanted to sleep," I manage to pull out between sobs.
_____I could feel her looking at me. The thought was suddenly broken as she helped me up and into her car.
_____She drove me back home where I just laid there on the couch. She left, and I couldn't blame her because after all I smelt like I swam 1500m in a still. It was bizarre to actually take a shower when you're still drunk. I did so in order to recover from a hang-over, but actually still drunk? The heat from the shower only made my alcohol cologne smell worse, which prompted me to wash more vigorously.
_____I was still wobbly when I stepped out of the shower. It was 11:46pm. The phone rang.
_____It was Gloria.
_____"Cleaned up yet?"
_____"Yes...I'm sorry."
_____"So that's why you've been avoiding me, you went to a sleep doctor," she ignored my apology.
_____"Yeah...I'm really sorry, about everythi..."
_____"Don't worry about it," she said, "fuck man...you should have told me."
_____"You know I couldn't. It was...you know."
_____"What are you going to do now?"
_____I thought. It was a task to reach back all the way two nights ago. The scan.
_____Gloria said she would pick me up to go to the scan tonight. She playfully quipped on to lay of the booze until then.
_____She picked me up around 12:39am. I was about to buzz the apartment, but instead, as a kind old man was going out for a nightly stroll with an umbrella, we slipped through. I was hesitant but I knocked on the doctor's door, which caused it to open a bit. We stepped inside. The room looked like the contents of my head. Almost everything strewn in disarray among the apartment, it was a pain to even look at it. Certain spots left untouched made it difficult to know if it was in the process of cleaning up, or demolition. I noticed the answering machine blinking in the middle of the room, waiting to be touched.
_____"Beep...To my wonderful clients, sadly I have to re-locate my extra-circular activities out of the country. Unfortunately, there are no other doctors I can refer you to, they tend to keep a lower profile than I." There was that wit again. "To my dear last patient whom I shared so much insight with, Mr. K. I am sure you are resourceful enough to find another 'doctor' to help you with your problems. Ciao."
_____I heard the last part of the message as the machine sailed through the air, hitting the floor with an unsatisfied smack. I wanted to cry, but was too emotionally drained from my tear-binge a few hours ago. Instead we went to Gloria's place; it had a locked liquor cabinet.
_____Gloria went back off to work, and I phoned in sick again. The patience of my boss waned as I essentially set myself up for a 3-day weekend. I spent the morning just sitting and staring at the ceiling. I felt that I was at the bottom, not a shred of care to whether or not I slept or not. The phone rang, 5:53pm.
_____"Hi Ted, I won't be home until later but you can still stay. Cheer up, it'll be sunny tomorrow. Can't talk long, bye."
_____Gloria's voice inspired me get up and reach for the television remote when suddenly I noticed on the floor. The shadow the rain soaked window casted on the floor caught my attention. Instead I turned the couch around and laid there, facing the glass.
_____The hundreds of veins that the rain formed on the window gave me the perception of time passing. I tracked the bulging outline of a waterline, pulsing a drop of water down, beyond the floor and into the apartment's window below. I saw how the trails switched randomly as another barrage of rain came down onto the smooth surface. Ever so slowly I began releasing any conscious attempt to breathe. My breath disappeared from my thoughts. I felt the water traveling down and down the wet landscape, pooling into the bottom of my mind; collectively soaking it...
_____I...woke up.
_____My eyes felt welded shut as I opened them to a clock set before me displaying in bright red 11:23am. My body felt weak, a sensation of stored heat flowed through me, escaping exponentially from the slightest movement. I looked up at the window and barely noticed that all life disappeared from it. All that was left was scattered remains of water droplets.
_____I glared up only to have my eyes meet a slate-grey sky hiding the light. Overcast.
_____To me, the sun was brighter than any clear day I had ever saw it upon.
The End
Copyright by The Porridge Boy.