A long time crush of mine is getting married. I didn't know anything about it for the longest time since the update on her marriage appeared as a note to everyone as a postponement due to financial reasons. The door to any sort of relationship with I had accepted to be closed many many years ago due to long distance but more to her life not in line with mine. I'm not a cowboy, I'm not a truck loving man's man. She was an untamed mare with a mane of red hair (even though dyed) and a face that I would have loved to kiss but I felt would never belong to me let alone deserving of anyone.

The peculiar thing is that she's a bit batty which was a bit of what attracted me to her in the first place. She always felt that she will be destined to be alone, unless that was something she only shared with me. She had trust issues with guys who used her for money. In the end things worked out for her and I wish her well. Of me I really don't know what to feel. It's like I prepared for this for so long that I have no petty feelings of jealously or regret, just constant indifference to what's happening in the past or the future. Do I hate how indifferent I am to everything even my love life? Do I have any sort of passion in anything other than to be a grumpy person beyond my years? Or am I lacking entirely in depth and complexity? Am I the simpleton that I totally despise? Fuck the world. Fuck it all.