I had a dream last night. It apparently was back in 1989, dad was still alive, the store is full of customers and everything seemed a bit less complicated. I love someone, I want to make love with her and take care of her but making a choice reminds me far too much of a cartoon of yesterdecade. Where they discussed infinite possibilities but making one choice limits those possibilities. I don't know what to say at this juncture of my life, the one of many. I've put off so much and the use of facebook only compounds how much I missed in my early 20s years. As always I don't know what to do because I'm at a point where everything I've postponed, I've delayed in life has now bunched up at this crossroad. I have to make more decisions in one point of time rather than being staggered.

I'm beginning to think that all this bitterness all this lonliness I'm feeling is just my lack of any woman in my life. The fact that one of my best friends who is currently married has no time for me let alone hardly fucking calls me just gives me a bit more of jealousy than I can handle. I'm happy for him so much, he deserves so much just like everyone else in my life. I don't know why though, I have feelings that he stole my city life from me. It is jealousy of his success? Or is it because I'm redirecting some sort of misguided anger? I can't seriously think that somehow he replaced my position in some sort of universal sense when my own exile from the place was my own fucking fault. However I still have these feelings which I know is just an extension of my own insecurities of my future, my role as an adult and how fucking stupid I am.

Nothing seems to make me happy anymore. Everything is slowly dying but not my excuses to fix anything wrong with me. Fuck i hate life sometimes.