I was reading a post on everyone is gay.com and one sentence seemed to have resonate with me more than others. It talked about opening up to people or at least significant others in response to a writer who asked advice on commitment. It related to me because I realize that with Cindy she is the first person that I opened up to romantically but it makes me wonder how open am I? When I talk it seems far too calculated. Far too...rehearsed the words that come out. Perhaps from years of watching TV. Or knowing what to say in a philosophical sense, but in no way would I ever feel that I am "opening" up to someone. Even with Cindy I feel there something holding me back. In short I feel my words are empty because they are not fabulous all of the time.

I miss her. I miss her a lot. But at the same time I don't feel like I miss her enough. My life goes on. It's not a complete wreck and eyes wander because that's what eyes do. It doesn't make me conflicted because I have little conflict to directly pursue, but oh what the fuck am I even say.

I'm an asshole. Plain and simple. I can't feel, or at least I like to say I can't feel. What the fuck?