Bloody I hate it here more and more. It could be the fact that I didn't take a shower, but still. This place....I hate it. I feel that I have lost everything in Vancouver everything. Any concept of happiness gone from my mortal plane. The prime of my life stuck in this filthy city.
In the end I don't think that it will matter much since I begin to lose my life anyways, even if within a huge city. I have nobody to share it with. I am alone, more alone that I have ever felt. Even if I have family, I'm tired of it. Although I should honour them, I still am tired of it all. I don't know why I feel tired about my family, perhaps I take them for granted. Or it is perhaps I haven't had many long terms friends period. That makes me cherish them almost more than my family, however it is my family that will cherish me than they could ever do.
I feel more pathetic day after day, each day like a lifetime of guilt and misery. I do hate it here, more than usual. It is like the worst place to be stuck in...your hometown. A place that is just to familiar and eats away at your mind...constantly.....like a virus.
And why do I feel so sad? Perhaps it is because I am a perfectionist and in my perfection I had destroyed any hope of happiness by making mistakes that shame me for my entire life. Any joy I encounter will be a mere flicker of flame while the constant stream of pain flows through me....fuck I hate it.