I have hit a crossroads of life.

Of course with most things about life, nothing is black and white, nor a great change would be apparent. The problem is I am beginning to feel a lot more self reliant in the situtation that I feel alone from all my friends basically cutting off any conversation with me. The problem is, I want something new. I'm a fucking sagitarius for God's sake, it's in my nature to pursue something greatly inadequate and shallow. My friend who I like so much has basically became to immersed in his own life to spend any time with me, not to mention how he isn't anywhere near an e-mail person. My other friend who I do care about and is closer to me makes me feel more depressed every day everytime I see him and in his situation. It seems the only time I actually enjoy talking to him is when he's in emotional distress, and of course me being not in that state. It's just that it's the same tired boring shit that makes my life go round.

For my friend who has a life, he's too fucking immersed into that to realize that anything he speaks of, is pure conversation gold to me. But then again he probably knows that he'd probably bore me to death. My other friend is just in a sad sorry state in affairs. Of course my art friends seem to be falling as well. One by one, they seek out other things *other* than the art profession which I so closely covet. But in all do respect, in seeking other careers, I being to lose respect for them in general...not as artists mind you...but in general.

Egotistically, I almost feel selfish because I feel that I still have that naive-wide-eyed curiosity about art that they lost in their eyes. And in some ways, transcending reality and being blissfully ignorant, I feel that I have actually survived a class of potential artists to actually become one. The best of the few who will become the leaders of the art world, setting it aflame with mediocrity. I am better than those who chose to give up; whether be from the reality of what an artist would have to suffer through, burn out or etc. But I'm beginning to feel even more shallow, where I want to enter the life of glamour....not mainstream glam mind you, but more of the side world of modelling, theatre, musicals, fashion etc. The hidden underbelly of American media.

Well talked to my bro about the job and he's thinking like me. Although I focused on the positive, the problem is that I might be just cold calling businesses for advertising space. Besides my bro said he'd rather have the swimming coach job than anything else, then it might be a good point, especially being more valid to go against "them" in order to prove a point in not getting the business job. But then again I'll probalby learn at least something in getting that job.