Wondering about my lot in life.

It's nearly been a year and I feel I haven't made a real friend at all. I'm in a more than shitty mood considering that that one of my best friends hasn't called me to go out with him in over a month. Even the last outing with him shouldn't count considering it was at an art show (which was great) in which I hardly talked to him all night. Worst of all it only magnified my loneliness in this fucking stupid city through seeing his friends stream into the art gallery.

I don't know how I should react to this at all. With anger? With understanding? With pure spite? I've always been the one who wanted to act like the victim because so many times in my life I seemed to be at fault for something. I want to be the person looking down onto someone's shortcomings. I want to be the one that people have to apologize to. I felt so snubbed at the opening but am I even right to have any sense of entitlement to be singled out as a friend? To even be talked to when my friend has more important things to do such as progress his career?

I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. How much longer I can act like a victim in order to garner some sort of pity from my friends to make them feel guilty for ignoring me. And yet I don't want to crowd any of them. I know the importance of having time to oneself and who am I to even ask of them to take some time out of their busy schedule to spend time with me. I'm interfering with their lives, the social circle he has carved out for him. I know he's bad with calling anyone to set anything up but it was two months, 2 damn months before he even realized that I lived in the city and even then I had to call him to hang out with him.

I'm unhappy with this shit. I'm nearly unhappy with everything. Nothing seems to make me happy anymore. And yet it's my friends who make me the happiest of all. I never had that may friends when I was growing up. I did but in a sense didn't because it was never about anything beyond the classroom. Ever little playdate seemed this joyous occasion where we have to clean up the fucking house in order play and now when I'm older it's fucked up my head in thinking that the same has to be done now. I cherish my friends and my time with them because it just goes all the way back to my childhood of not wanting to be fucking alone; without anyone to talk to. Without anyone even try to understand me. It's a fucking terrible pattern in life that I'm going through because the people I want to be friends seem to withdraw from me and those idiots i am friends with just cling to me like I'm sort of leader. I don't want to be a leader, I just want someone to respect me and hang out with me.