I seen to have a problem emoting.....I can't seem to do it. It seems that in reality, I don't care much for my friends. In fact, they are more devices to make me happy and further my goals. Sure mental support and not to mention social contact, we all need that to some degree or another, but I truly do not care much for my friends. I have narrowed down to two feelings I have:

1) Self gratification
2) Not having people hate me.

The latter leaves much to be desired because to some degree I would like everyone to like me. No...make that peole that I do like, to like me back. It seems interesting in the idea that those who do like me, I in return don't return a mutual admiration. For those people who I do strive to get to like me, or respect, then they don't return a mutual admiration. Much like conquests.

Now this by no means makes me a horrible person, however it cleary shows that I use my friends more than I let on. However it's they who have gotten benefits of my generosity. To tell the truth in some ways I accept this, because if I choose my friends carefully, in effect, it gives me an element of control over them. Unawaringly they do not know my unlterior motives, my evil motives. What I reallly think of them. I like to be friends of them to make myself better, and by no means make them feel better.

Hell even when my current best friend ran away, I tried to care...it took my mom to suggest that I should get out and try to look for him. But to tell the truth, I really did not care. There was no heartbreak or worry. It wasn't even a tingling of confidence that he would come back...but more of I really did not care. It could be I never experienced this type of shit before, but to tell the truth, I had better things to do. My friends could have cancer for all I cared and I would say "shitty deal" I just couldn't care less.